


A Little Bit Selfish

by UbiquitousMixie



Category: The Closer
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-14
Updated: 2012-01-14
Packaged: 2017-10-29 13:13:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/320293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UbiquitousMixie/pseuds/UbiquitousMixie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She shouldn't be this excited about an illicit tryst with her co-worker.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Little Bit Selfish

**Author's Note:**

> Angst alert! I don’t know why I automatically default to writing angsty stories, but apparently I have some subconscious need to make my characters suffer as much as I do. That said, I hope this works for the characters. Enjoy! Comments are love!

It's too chilly for an October evening, Brenda thinks as she cranks up the heat in her car. She should have brought a jacket, or at least her favorite sweater, but Brenda wasn't thinking about practical things like sweaters when she left the house twenty minutes ago. All she had thought about was the call she received from Fritz, who said he'd be working late, and how it meant she could have a few stolen hours with Sharon.

It will be warm at Sharon's.

Brenda's heart pounds a little faster when she turns onto Sharon's street. She shouldn't be this excited about an illicit tryst with her co-worker, but she can’t deny the little thrill that skitters down her spine. It's been a week since they've been together, an entire week since Brenda has felt Sharon's body pressed against her own, and the intensity of her need is driving her crazy. It's that need that made her smile when Fritz said he was at least two hours from leaving the office, that made her scramble to collect her keys and her purse as she rushed out the door, that made her forget about feeding Joel or grabbing a jacket or even calling Sharon to tell her she was on her way.

She's desperate to kiss Sharon again. Sharon’s mouth is very close to perfect, even with her insufferable, barely there smirks. Brenda fondly remembers a rainy afternoon when Fritz was out of town and they spent hours in bed, just kissing as if they had all the time in the world. Her belly flip-flops at the memory; they won’t have that much time tonight, but Brenda thinks that even just one little kiss will be enough to get her through the night.

Brenda parks in front of the captain's house and has the presence of mind to be relieved at the sight of the other woman's car parked in the driveway. She nearly stumbles over her own feet as she gets out of the car, hugging her arms around herself to brave against the chill. She skips quickly up the walk and onto the porch, her pulse pumping so quickly that she's very nearly dizzy.

When she presses her finger against the doorbell, she wonders if Sharon will be happy to see her or if she'll be annoyed that Brenda forgot to call first. If she is annoyed, which she usually is anyway, Brenda knows a dozen ways to perk her right up.

A shadow crosses behind the peephole and, a moment later, the door swings open.

"What are you doing here?" Sharon asks without preamble, her eyebrows furrowed.

"Nice to see you too, Capt'n." Brenda flashes her most brilliant smile, hoping it will soften the gruff hesitation in Sharon's voice, and then she really looks at her. Sharon's got on a little black dress--nothing showy, but definitely not appropriate for work. She's made up a little more than she would be during the work day, and then Brenda realizes that Sharon isn't dressed for work at all. The force of it nearly knocks the wind out of her. "Wow. Look at you!" Her eyes continue to roam, noting Sharon's stocking-less legs and bare feet. "Hot date tonight?"

Sharon doesn't reply. She simply purses her lips and looks levelly at Brenda.

"Oh." Brenda bites the inside of her lip. "I suppose you do, don't you?"

"Yes, Brenda, I do."

Brenda must look like a kicked puppy because Sharon sighs and invites her inside. It's warm in the hallway but Brenda feels colder than ever. She hugs herself a little tighter.

"I thought we talked about you not just showing up here."

Brenda can't look at her and so she averts her eyes. Sharon looks too pretty, as if the sight of her all dolled up for someone else will physically hurt her. It does hurt (if the knot in her gut has anything to say about it). "I...well, Fritz had to work, so I thought..."

"You thought you would just turn up on my doorstep without any thought to what I might want." Sharon sighs again. "We have a very specific arrangement for a reason."

"Yes, and I didn't think--"

"You didn't think that I could possibly have plans of my own?"

Brenda winces at the sharpness of Sharon's tone. It’s enough to make her swallow her own irritation at being interrupted. She understands upsetting the arrangement, but in her opinion there's no need for the captain to be a bitch about it. "I didn't know you were seein' someone."

"It's just a date." Sharon glances over at the clock on the mantle in the living room. "And I have to finish getting ready."

Brenda can tell by the tone of Sharon's voice that she expects her to leave, but Brenda isn't satisfied with the other woman's vague answers. She raises her chin a little in defiance. "Do I know him? Or her?"

Sharon rolls her eyes in resignation and heads upstairs. "No."

Brenda follows, trying not to watch the sway of Sharon's ass in this tight dress that she's never seen before. She feels a sharp pang of jealousy--why has Sharon never dressed up for her?--but then she remembers that they are just having an affair, not dating, and she doesn't get to see that side of Sharon because she already has a husband.

There's absolutely no reason why Brenda should feel so glum about the whole thing.

She follows Sharon into her bedroom and tries not to openly sulk about not being in her bed. She sits on the end of it anyway, even though the feel of the duvet against her calves makes her want to sulk even more because she vividly remembers how delicious it feels to be lying naked on top of it.

"So what is it? Blind date?"

"No," Sharon replies brusquely, picking up a nude nylon thigh-high from her dresser. She props her left foot on the bed beside Brenda's lap and draws the stocking over her calf and thigh, pulling her dress up slightly to deftly fasten her garter.

Brenda gapes at the sight of it. She clenches her thighs together and reminds herself that all of this isn't for her--it's for someone else. "You're bein' awfully vague," she nags, tilting her head at Sharon. She bites her lip when Sharon slips her right leg into the second nylon, her fingers making a subtle show of smoothing the stocking along her shapely calf. When the other woman doesn't respond, Brenda presses a little harder. "You don't want me to know about it?"

"There's nothing to know," Sharon snaps, smoothing down her dress. Her eyes are steely and hard and Brenda doesn't dare break eye contact to watch the lacy edge of the stockings disappear beneath the dress. "It's just a date. My private life is private."

"'Scuse me for thinkin' I was a part of your private life," Brenda mumbles, watching miserably as Sharon dabs perfume on her wrists and neck.

"I'm not sure what you expect me to say, Brenda Leigh. Am I supposed to put my life on hold for some affair with a married woman who has no intention of leaving her husband?" Sharon looks at her pointedly, one hand cocked on her hip.

"Well, no..."

"Because you don't, do you?"

"I don't what?"

"You don't plan on leaving Fritz."

Brenda doesn't respond, which is answer enough for Sharon. The brunette shakes her head and averts her eyes, as if she can't stand to look at the woman who has all but selfishly implied that she wants to keep her all to herself, and goes about putting on her black stilettos.

Brenda looks down at her hands, which are clasped in her lap, and is surprised to see that her knuckles have turned white. Has she been clenching her fists this whole time? She can't feel anything except the cold chill in her spine and the ache in her gut. She wants to rub away the tension in her belly but she won't do it in front of Sharon. The silence stretches on while Sharon touches up her lipstick and Brenda wills her to look at her in the reflection of the mirror. She thinks that maybe if Sharon looks, it will mean...something.

Sharon doesn't look.

"I can't..." Brenda frowns, not sure how to put into words what's happening in her head. "I can't just leave my husband. I made a promise."

Sharon turns around then, sighing as she crosses her arms over her chest. "I know." She sounds defeated. Sharon Raydor never sounds defeated, not ever. It’s a sound that Brenda never wants to hear again.

Brenda wants nothing more than to cross the room, take the other woman in her arms, and make her understand how conflicted she is by the whole affair. She loves her husband; she really does. He's a good man who deserves a much better wife than Brenda will ever be. He's comfortable and safe and he takes care of her. She wants Fritz...but she wants Sharon too.

As if she's read her mind, Sharon quietly says, "You can't have us both forever." She shifts on her feet, as if she wants to move closer but is trying to resist the urge. "At some point you're going to have to make a choice and if you don't, I will. I don't know how much longer I can continue doing this."

The blonde woman flexes her fingers, which are starting to go a little numb, and the diamond on her left hand catches her eye. She doesn't deserve to wear such a beautiful ring or to even be married for what she's about to say. "I don't want this to end."

"But it will. Everything does." Sharon shakes her head. "Lord help me...I want you, Brenda, just not like this."

Brenda isn't sure what compels her to get to her feet and close the distance between them but when she does, she carefully cups Sharon's face in her hands and kisses her. She wonders if she tastes like desperation. She holds back the intensity of her need and is relieved when Sharon kisses her back. Brenda has to force herself to show a little self-control and pulls away after only one impossibly gentle kiss, tilting her head against the other woman's. She closes her eyes and breathes in the same air and the scent of her perfume. It makes her lightheaded. "Are you sayin' this is over?"

Sharon clasps her hands to Brenda's arms and caresses her thumbs against the delicate bones of her wrists. She doesn't answer right away. "I should." She sighs, defeated. "But I'm not." Sharon takes a step back and Brenda feels bereft at the lack of contact. "It's time for you to go. I'm going to be late."

The blonde bites her lip hard, tasting the waxy remnants of lipstick and the metallic tang of blood. She bites back everything she wants to say, like please don’t go and please don’t sleep with your date tonight and please keep being my dirty little secret because I don’t know how to function without you anymore. She blinks several times, steeling herself from shedding tears in front of Sharon. What right does she have to cry when she is the very reason they’re in this position in the first place?

Brenda simply nods and stares at the carpet, wishing that it were possible to sink through the floor. She could have avoided this if Fritz hadn’t decided to work late, if she had just stayed home, if she had never decided to be a little bit selfish and have a husband and a lover. It wouldn’t have changed the fact that Sharon’s about to meet someone for dinner and drinks and flirting and maybe more, but Brenda wouldn’t have known about it, which would have been better.

No, she thinks. It would not have been better. It would still be happening and Brenda would find out anyway because she always finds out and she would still feel like she’s personally being cheated on, which is ridiculous because Sharon isn’t hers and probably never will be.

She looks up miserably to see Sharon standing expectantly beside her bedroom door, wearing her coat and a frown. Sharon is smart and practical: she never forgets a jacket or rushes to her lover’s house unannounced or expects more from Brenda than she’s willing to give.

Brenda doesn’t look her in the eye as she passes by her and heads down the stairs. She heaves a fortifying breath and decides not to linger by the door because she knows it will only prompt Sharon to usher her out.

She’s still surprised by how cold it is once she’s standing on the porch. She shudders and the tension tightens at the knot in her stomach and this time she does wrap her arms around her belly because she can’t help it. She licks her lips, wondering if she should say anything to Sharon, who is locking the front door behind her. What else is there to say? Y’all have a nice time on your date? Brenda will do a lot of things to Sharon, but she won’t lie to her. As much as she hopes Sharon will be happy and enjoy herself, she can’t make herself say something so insincere and hollow.

Instead, Brenda heads down the walkway, her head bowed and her throat thick with emotion. She fumbles for her keys and she can hear the click of Sharon’s heels behind her. Brenda whirls around. “Sharon?”

“Yes?” Sharon looks exasperated and a little nervous about what Brenda is going to say.

“You look really beautiful tonight.”

The corner of Sharon’s mouth quirks but she doesn’t smile. “Thank you, Brenda.”

The blonde nods and hurries to her car, shutting herself in before the stray tear falling down her cheek can be seen. She watches as Sharon’s car pulls out of the driveway and heads in the other direction. For a moment, Brenda entertains the idea of following her; it would be so easy to see where Sharon is going, to scope out her date, to innocently announce that it was a coincidence that she chose that specific restaurant to have a glass of merlot.

She turns on the car and heads for home. She won’t do that to Sharon. Like Fritz, Sharon deserves better than Brenda. She sniffs back another wave of emotion and drives, still chilly and yearning for Sharon and woefully unhappy about what she’s done to all of their lives. She decides that she'll make some hot chocolate and snuggle with Joel. She'll wait for her husband to come home and go to bed with him and, like every other night, she'll lie awake beside him and think of Sharon.

\---


End file.
